Critique: "The Secularist"

“The Secularist” creates a fantasy realm within a short story and positions the main characters, the Secularist and an unnamed prisoner woman, in a pseudo-philosophical discourse on morality and duty. The writing itself is very lyrical and poetic, which help give the story the fantastical feel I think it is going for. The Secularist’s eyes “smoldered with crimson radiance,” while “a web of black, leafy vines [twined] their way.” However, this sometimes works against the story, leaving the imagery in almost complete abstraction, as seen with the Secularist’s tattoos, “now reflected waves and circles, smooth lines and beauty.”

The world created is very vivid and somehow believable, but there’s so much mythology presented in the story with little to no explanation as to how that mythology works that it can be confusing. How does the Secularist function? Do his tattoos and markings change with his mood? When he feels honorable and just do they disappear completely? I suppose some can be inferred, but a bit of explanation or at least a view into the Secularist’s mind would have been helpful. Also, what exactly is the devil? These are questions that I’m sure any fantasy writer loves to hear, but they still need answering! Given these questions, it seems this piece would be much, much longer to satisfy even half of the questions that this story presents.

From a story standpoint, the change from beginning to end is very sharp and predictable (not that that’s bad). We don’t learn much about the characters, and the Secularist at times seems robotic (I likened him to the giant guy at the end of Prometheus). Given that so much of the story is dedicated to creating a colorful and exciting world for the reader, there is a considerable lack of action. Consider this for revision.

Critique: "Hitting Hard"

"Hitting Hard” is a story about a couple at a crossroads in their relationship. The woman, a high-ranking military officer, has learned she is pregnant and confronts her irritable and cowardly boyfriend with the news. A physical conflict ensues in which the woman, Maddie, beats the crap out of Ace/Alex. The moment in the story when she punches him in the jaw is a real shocker, especially because of the raw fear that it arouses in Alex. He becomes completely submissive and even somewhat repulsed by his partner and they eventually clasp hands and unite for the foreseeable future.

This story has a real honesty to it that I enjoy. It shies away from tricks and abuse of imagery and metaphor in favor of action and dialogue, and the result is a clear, honest story. This is not to say that it is perfect or complete. The characters, namely Alex, could use some expansion. Alex was completely despicable in my reading, and while its fun to sneer at a character in repulsion, it’s much more fulfilling to like a character despite their apparent negativity. I find the decision to position both characters in masculine careers/roles a bit curious. We get a bit of Maddie’s sensitive side, and I think the story could benefit a bit more from her sentimentality that’s featured toward the end.

Critique: "Hurricane"

"Hurricane” is a story about two young friends that decide to brave the surging storm winds on the California coast and attempt to surf the high waves. Their motives are never given complete clarity, and I assume they are doing this either for the hell of it or for some shot at immortality within the local circuit of urban surf legends. The two boys, an unnamed narrator and Travis, are inspired by their friend Tony, who suggests they sneak onto the beaches while they are closed during the storms. Travis and the narrator don’t appear immediately responsive to Tony’s suggestion, but decide to go ahead with it.

I could be completely wrong in this, but I gathered that the narrator was somewhat apprehensive towards the whole idea of surfing during a hurricane. If this is the case, I would have liked to see more of this in the earlier parts of the story, namely the first scene. He doesn’t speak and we don’t get any of his opinion or feelings toward the initial idea of surfing the storm, though he is very observant and aware of Travis’ immediate interest.

The story features a nice balance of dialogue and description /narration. The dialogue is effective and realistic, wasting little time repeating the same dribble over and over as is seen often. The descriptive language uses a lot of vernacular and region/culture-specific words that give the story both honesty and authenticity. The surfing jargon made the story fun to read and move along steadily.

Throughout the story and long after reading it, I kept wondering how it would have been different if the narrator had bailed on Travis at the beach instead of sticking with him and trying to conquer the storm. I think this might be worth exploring or at least checking out.

The story ends a few readings (from me at least). The first and more likely reading is that Travis felt betrayed or angry towards the narrator and decided to leave him on the beach as a ending to their friendship or something. Another reading could be that the narrator simply told Travis to go home as he looked for the rest of his board and they were friends thereafter. And yet another reading believes that the narrator died of internal bleeding suffered during his violent thrashings against the pier and Travis left him for dead. If there is one clear ending to this story, I think it needs better explication at the end.

Critque: "Milk and Snails"

“Milk and Snails” is a fast-paced story about two sisters whose relationship is muddled by weight concerns. The older sister still torments her younger sister calling her, at times, a ‘fat ass.’ The majority of the story is a flashback to when the narrator was thirteen and intruded on her sister as she was purging in the bathroom. The story ends with the older sister chiding the younger sister and enlightening her on the benefits of bulimia.

The story features some colorful descriptions and nice details, including the cans of Schlitz trailing the newlyweds’ car and the instituted slang word ‘snails,’ for a tape measure, although the use of ‘snail’ could have been more effective if the story clued the reader into what it meant through context clues rather than outright saying it. Perhaps if this story were being told as a confession to someone familiar the way “We Didn’t” is narrated, then that might be possible.

The two nameless characters, the narrator and the sister, need to do some growing. The older sister has no apparent likable or redeemable qualities. The reader only sees one side of her, granted it is through the eyes of the verbally abused younger sister, making this one-sided portrayal understandable. We are told that she is a successful ballerina and the story could benefit from an expansion of the ballerina psychology, as I’m sure she has danced her entire life and it has no doubt dominated their household, maybe even at the expense of the younger sister. These are tracks that this story could explore and find more meaning within.

We are told almost nothing of the narrator, other than that she is probably slightly overweight. I’m sure there are a whole bunch of stories within her psychological makeup and they would help build the dynamic between her and her sister.