Critique: "Pretend Games"

E envies Tay, she wants what Tay has, but she doesn’t realize that Tay’s life is completely undesirable and that Tay wants what E has: semi-attentive, but still present guardians; hygiene; bath toys. I took pleasure in the presentation of this story. At times the language felt childlike. The cardoor was ‘seventy thousand pounds.’ At other times the language was technical and efficient. Signs ‘indicated potential danger’ (or didn’t). Injuries were ‘procured.’ Neither voice dominated, and it made me wonder why? What is it about E that we get both perspectives? I was a bit confused by the ending. I was rooting for E the entire way. I really wanted her to be the badass she wanted to be, but I’m left with giggly Tay, her character completely flipped on its head, and E unfulfilled. In other words, a whimsical, real story.

Critique: "Give the Water the Rest"

This story is about a merman that, disguised as a man, courts his ex-lover’s son and eventually rapes him. The next day, the boy sees Emil, the merman, in his true form and kills him in disgust. Within that narrative, however, are many other stories and plotlines that go unfulfilled. For example, where is Michael’s mother? Why did she just give him up to Emil? Also, what of Emil and his sister? There’s conflict there, and while it ends with her saving him, I almost felt like their side of the story didn’t gel with Emil and Michael’s. I guess it’s just a lot to keep track of. The story mixes fantasy with a certain level of realism, portraying all the characters as very human creatures, even though Emil and his sister are not. I like this and I think would like it more if the sister was a more nuanced character rather than the snobby big sister.

Critique: "Annunciation"

This story is about a deranged pastor that rapes a young school girl because she doesn’t ‘receive the spirit’ the way that the rest of her peers do. The voice in this story in quite gruesome, and at times does a fantastic job of evoking the sinister nature of the sacred subject, Christianity. The story doesn’t specify which sect/denomination of the church this is, but I don’t think it matters. What the reader is presented with is a very clear and vivid image of a crazy speaker that is high on the power that he thinks God has granted him. The story left me with an ill taste in my mouth, as the last image is the pastor raping the girl. It works in that regard, but I, as a reader, am left feeling a need for some triumph, but left only with despair. The writing in this draft moves forward with steady force. It is very clear and easy to follow. Good job.

Critique: "Lying"

In “Lying,” the narrator, Jacqueline, is being held in a mental hospital, convinced that she is being held as a sex slave. She hallucinates her former lover and friend, Donna, and believes that Donna is attempting to help her escape. We only find out that Jacqueline is in a hospital at the end of the story, when she is tackled by an orderly (man in white) and given a sedative injection. I liked the backstory scenes a lot more than the present-tense hallucinatory scenes. I felt like they were more vivid and meaningful, so maybe that’d be a good place to open up the story. It appears that Jacqueline’s fate is sealed within the mental hospital, so why tell that part of the story?

Critique: "But a Minor Role"

A gripping, almost meta-Western narrative where the classic hero (the American) really isn’t one and does nothing, and certainly nothing heroic. The American, seventeen, wants to become a part of the story involved with Major Crutzen and the repeated attempts by bandits to ‘make names for themselves.’ The focus instead shifts to Lieutenant Costilla, who is struck by the American boy’s desperate search for death and eventually ends that search by shooting the boy. I was a bit jarred by the occasional referral to ‘the story.’ Why include this? It drew me out of a very immersive narrative that was moving along with steady force. It made the story seem less real to me. I enjoyed the introduction of the characters, but felt that the opening sequence of chattering dialogue could have been abridged.

Critique: "Consequence"

In this story, Theodore and Alexandra attempt to escape infinity. There seem to interdimensional leaps occurring throughout the story, and the reader depends on clues to guide them through the passage, but these clues are not always present. From the outset, we are told that time is irrelevant within this story, which is nice as it sets up the expectations throughout. There is a heavy mixture of heady philosophical musings and seemingly mundane activity, e.g. raking leaves.

As it turns out, Theodore’s main quest is to kill God and escape from the universe (I think). This story is a kind of hard to follow, and culminates with Alexandra escaping into a hole in the universe, consumed by all the moments of her life. I thought it was underwhelming that she only found it ‘fascinating,’ but I guess it would have been too much if her head simply exploded.

Critique: "Departure"

This story is about a woman mentally preparing herself to move to Boston for a new job. During her preparation, she has an anxiety attack and loses conception of time and (I think) hallucinates a vision of her mother telling her to wait to leave until the morning. It was unclear to me what exactly happened during the final page and a half of the story. Elements of magical realism seemed evident, but I am not sure what parts of the story actually happened and what parts didn’t.

This is a very fascinating and engaging draft driven by hard action. The story moves very quickly and really doesn’t let up until the final few paragraphs. I liked some of the details (the philosophy book and its contents, the six-hundred-thread-count sheets, the and the repeated acknowledgment of the time) wonder if they could be stronger or more pronounced in order to push the reader toward a more definitive conclusion of the story. It isn’t exactly clear to me what the significance of the time and how living in the moment corresponds with Danielle’s situation.

As a final note, what is the emotion that slips inside of her as she sets down the philosophy book? This is a key point in the story that is somewhat overlooked or at least understated. As a reader, I’m looking for a little more clarity on what this emotion is and why it’s so important, other than the fact that it causes the rest of the story to go where it does.

Critique: "Backseat Boy"

This story is about a mother that maintains a illicit relationship with a teenage boy, told from the perspective of her daughter, who seems somewhat disgusted by her mother’s activity, but has more or less accepted it as part of life. The first sentence of the story explains the premise of the story, and many of the details about the family and the affair are explained rather bluntly. I think the story could benefit from some illustration of some of these things, as we never get any idea what James or the mother are like. Perhaps an interaction between the narrator and James could help bring the characters to life a little more.

There are some very acute details that I think work in the stories favor, such as the nail polish colors and the Sony jambox. These details help develop the sense of time, and if coupled with some strong scenes, would be very powerful. Mentioned in the story is the scene that presumably began the affair. Why not show this scene rather than just telling about it?

Critique: "Promise"

“Promise” tells the story of a woman dealing with the resurfacing of her childhood fear of abandonment and feeling trapped. The story is told in second person, a mode I am usually wary of, but I think it works well here. At first I was thrown off and somewhat put off by it, but it settled in rather quickly and felt comfortable within the framework of the story. The story also uses ‘the Fear’ as a sort of character or at least a menacing force.

I enjoyed the framing of the story within this concert event as well as the return to the protagonist’s childhood to trace the lineage of the Fear. Still, I consider it worth experimenting or exploring new or different angles to tell this story. The story is almost entirely backstory, and I wonder how it might change if the perspective changed. Much is made of the protagonists seemingly prodigious talent, though nothing ever comes of it. To be truthful, the ending seems flat and I would expect there to be some resolution with the protagonist regarding her lifelong relationship with promise.

Critique: "Perfection"

Critique of “Perfection”

“Perfection” is a story about a painter in the midst of a crippling identity crisis. The man lost his dominant hand in a car accident and, despite therapy sessions, can’t get over it. The protagonist, unnamed, is self-righteous and at times whiny. He paints self-portraits exclusively and is obsessed with his self-image. His ‘task at hand’ is replicating what he considers a perfect self-portrait that he painted before the accident. The main character’s two apparent relationships are with his mother and his therapist, who both urge him to move on from the accident. But he is ‘an artist,’ and stands by that title.

The story flows nicely, and moves between action and exposition fluidly. The final realization of his replica is gripping prose, and I particularly like the transformation of color and how it changes. A great deal of backstory is given through recollection, and through this the reader is informed of the protagonist’s conflicts with his mother as well as the accident itself. I wonder if there is a better way to bring some of these up, so the switching between the artist at work on his replica and the backstory don’t flounder in their quasi-formulaic approach: the repetition of certain words and phrases conjuring memories, along the lines of ‘this reminded him of this other time that is inconspicuously relevant to this narrative.’

The story ends in a suicide, which I think gives the story too much finality. It might be poetic with the knife and the whole perfect portrait narrative, but as a reader, I feel somewhat cheated when a character I have invested interest in dies at the end. Nothing is left to the reader’s imagination.