Critique: "Pretend Games"

E envies Tay, she wants what Tay has, but she doesn’t realize that Tay’s life is completely undesirable and that Tay wants what E has: semi-attentive, but still present guardians; hygiene; bath toys. I took pleasure in the presentation of this story. At times the language felt childlike. The cardoor was ‘seventy thousand pounds.’ At other times the language was technical and efficient. Signs ‘indicated potential danger’ (or didn’t). Injuries were ‘procured.’ Neither voice dominated, and it made me wonder why? What is it about E that we get both perspectives? I was a bit confused by the ending. I was rooting for E the entire way. I really wanted her to be the badass she wanted to be, but I’m left with giggly Tay, her character completely flipped on its head, and E unfulfilled. In other words, a whimsical, real story.

Critique: "Give the Water the Rest"

This story is about a merman that, disguised as a man, courts his ex-lover’s son and eventually rapes him. The next day, the boy sees Emil, the merman, in his true form and kills him in disgust. Within that narrative, however, are many other stories and plotlines that go unfulfilled. For example, where is Michael’s mother? Why did she just give him up to Emil? Also, what of Emil and his sister? There’s conflict there, and while it ends with her saving him, I almost felt like their side of the story didn’t gel with Emil and Michael’s. I guess it’s just a lot to keep track of. The story mixes fantasy with a certain level of realism, portraying all the characters as very human creatures, even though Emil and his sister are not. I like this and I think would like it more if the sister was a more nuanced character rather than the snobby big sister.

Critique: "Annunciation"

This story is about a deranged pastor that rapes a young school girl because she doesn’t ‘receive the spirit’ the way that the rest of her peers do. The voice in this story in quite gruesome, and at times does a fantastic job of evoking the sinister nature of the sacred subject, Christianity. The story doesn’t specify which sect/denomination of the church this is, but I don’t think it matters. What the reader is presented with is a very clear and vivid image of a crazy speaker that is high on the power that he thinks God has granted him. The story left me with an ill taste in my mouth, as the last image is the pastor raping the girl. It works in that regard, but I, as a reader, am left feeling a need for some triumph, but left only with despair. The writing in this draft moves forward with steady force. It is very clear and easy to follow. Good job.

Critique: "Lying"

In “Lying,” the narrator, Jacqueline, is being held in a mental hospital, convinced that she is being held as a sex slave. She hallucinates her former lover and friend, Donna, and believes that Donna is attempting to help her escape. We only find out that Jacqueline is in a hospital at the end of the story, when she is tackled by an orderly (man in white) and given a sedative injection. I liked the backstory scenes a lot more than the present-tense hallucinatory scenes. I felt like they were more vivid and meaningful, so maybe that’d be a good place to open up the story. It appears that Jacqueline’s fate is sealed within the mental hospital, so why tell that part of the story?

Critique: "But a Minor Role"

A gripping, almost meta-Western narrative where the classic hero (the American) really isn’t one and does nothing, and certainly nothing heroic. The American, seventeen, wants to become a part of the story involved with Major Crutzen and the repeated attempts by bandits to ‘make names for themselves.’ The focus instead shifts to Lieutenant Costilla, who is struck by the American boy’s desperate search for death and eventually ends that search by shooting the boy. I was a bit jarred by the occasional referral to ‘the story.’ Why include this? It drew me out of a very immersive narrative that was moving along with steady force. It made the story seem less real to me. I enjoyed the introduction of the characters, but felt that the opening sequence of chattering dialogue could have been abridged.

Critique: "Consequence"

In this story, Theodore and Alexandra attempt to escape infinity. There seem to interdimensional leaps occurring throughout the story, and the reader depends on clues to guide them through the passage, but these clues are not always present. From the outset, we are told that time is irrelevant within this story, which is nice as it sets up the expectations throughout. There is a heavy mixture of heady philosophical musings and seemingly mundane activity, e.g. raking leaves.

As it turns out, Theodore’s main quest is to kill God and escape from the universe (I think). This story is a kind of hard to follow, and culminates with Alexandra escaping into a hole in the universe, consumed by all the moments of her life. I thought it was underwhelming that she only found it ‘fascinating,’ but I guess it would have been too much if her head simply exploded.

Critique: "Departure"

This story is about a woman mentally preparing herself to move to Boston for a new job. During her preparation, she has an anxiety attack and loses conception of time and (I think) hallucinates a vision of her mother telling her to wait to leave until the morning. It was unclear to me what exactly happened during the final page and a half of the story. Elements of magical realism seemed evident, but I am not sure what parts of the story actually happened and what parts didn’t.

This is a very fascinating and engaging draft driven by hard action. The story moves very quickly and really doesn’t let up until the final few paragraphs. I liked some of the details (the philosophy book and its contents, the six-hundred-thread-count sheets, the and the repeated acknowledgment of the time) wonder if they could be stronger or more pronounced in order to push the reader toward a more definitive conclusion of the story. It isn’t exactly clear to me what the significance of the time and how living in the moment corresponds with Danielle’s situation.

As a final note, what is the emotion that slips inside of her as she sets down the philosophy book? This is a key point in the story that is somewhat overlooked or at least understated. As a reader, I’m looking for a little more clarity on what this emotion is and why it’s so important, other than the fact that it causes the rest of the story to go where it does.

Critique: "Backseat Boy"

This story is about a mother that maintains a illicit relationship with a teenage boy, told from the perspective of her daughter, who seems somewhat disgusted by her mother’s activity, but has more or less accepted it as part of life. The first sentence of the story explains the premise of the story, and many of the details about the family and the affair are explained rather bluntly. I think the story could benefit from some illustration of some of these things, as we never get any idea what James or the mother are like. Perhaps an interaction between the narrator and James could help bring the characters to life a little more.

There are some very acute details that I think work in the stories favor, such as the nail polish colors and the Sony jambox. These details help develop the sense of time, and if coupled with some strong scenes, would be very powerful. Mentioned in the story is the scene that presumably began the affair. Why not show this scene rather than just telling about it?

Critique: "Promise"

“Promise” tells the story of a woman dealing with the resurfacing of her childhood fear of abandonment and feeling trapped. The story is told in second person, a mode I am usually wary of, but I think it works well here. At first I was thrown off and somewhat put off by it, but it settled in rather quickly and felt comfortable within the framework of the story. The story also uses ‘the Fear’ as a sort of character or at least a menacing force.

I enjoyed the framing of the story within this concert event as well as the return to the protagonist’s childhood to trace the lineage of the Fear. Still, I consider it worth experimenting or exploring new or different angles to tell this story. The story is almost entirely backstory, and I wonder how it might change if the perspective changed. Much is made of the protagonists seemingly prodigious talent, though nothing ever comes of it. To be truthful, the ending seems flat and I would expect there to be some resolution with the protagonist regarding her lifelong relationship with promise.

Critique: "Perfection"

Critique of “Perfection”

“Perfection” is a story about a painter in the midst of a crippling identity crisis. The man lost his dominant hand in a car accident and, despite therapy sessions, can’t get over it. The protagonist, unnamed, is self-righteous and at times whiny. He paints self-portraits exclusively and is obsessed with his self-image. His ‘task at hand’ is replicating what he considers a perfect self-portrait that he painted before the accident. The main character’s two apparent relationships are with his mother and his therapist, who both urge him to move on from the accident. But he is ‘an artist,’ and stands by that title.

The story flows nicely, and moves between action and exposition fluidly. The final realization of his replica is gripping prose, and I particularly like the transformation of color and how it changes. A great deal of backstory is given through recollection, and through this the reader is informed of the protagonist’s conflicts with his mother as well as the accident itself. I wonder if there is a better way to bring some of these up, so the switching between the artist at work on his replica and the backstory don’t flounder in their quasi-formulaic approach: the repetition of certain words and phrases conjuring memories, along the lines of ‘this reminded him of this other time that is inconspicuously relevant to this narrative.’

The story ends in a suicide, which I think gives the story too much finality. It might be poetic with the knife and the whole perfect portrait narrative, but as a reader, I feel somewhat cheated when a character I have invested interest in dies at the end. Nothing is left to the reader’s imagination.

Critique "Man With Two Souls"

“The Man with Two Souls” tells the story of an amnesiac that gathers a few clues about his identity, but doesn’t fully regain his life by the end of the story. There’s some very colorful language in this story, particularly during the sex scenes. Sex in literature is very unstable ground to tread on, especially without an explicit build toward the sexual climax. I wonder if the sex would work better at the end of the story, and rather than giving the reader such intense images to digest early on, leave them with those images.

Critique "Chimera"

“Chimera” is a story about a man, Harold, and his attempt to validate his dreams. Harold is in business with a company named Chimera that brokers dream capsules to customers. While the dreams that Chimera buys and sells are the literal nREM-sleep type of dream, it seems the dreams referred to in the story extend beyond the literal dream and into childhood dreams, etc. According to the story, Harold’s parents were emotionally detached, leading to Harold’s lack of self-direction in following his dreams and impulses as a child. Because of this detachment, Harold became an accountant and during his mid-life crisis, has decided to see what his dreams are really worth. I’d like to get more information on Harold’s relationship with his parents in order to see a bit more of how they influenced his upbringing and his adult life. I’d also like to see more about Harold’s practicality and efficiency and how that plays into his life on a more nuanced level, i.e. what is Harold’s life at home like? Does he live alone? Does he have friends?

This story features some great descriptions of Harold’s behavior as a ‘machine’ and completely empty in the mind while working. I am a fan of this line of philosophy/psychology and think it’s worth expanding on within the story or at least exploring in more depth. I am not sure what to make of the two pages of notes that follow the apparent ending of the story. I assume they are not intended to be read as part of the story, but I read them that way anyway and I think the concept could serve as an interesting experiment into dreams and unconsciousness.

Critique: “What Wasn’t Said”

“What Wasn’t Said” tells the story of two friends that have a falling out and never reconcile. The story is puzzling, for sure. I really don’t understand what the narrator felt was so horrible that it couldn’t be reconciled even after Peers’ many attempts to move past the issue. The narrator develops a weird detachment from Peers that it seems Peers cannot accept. The language throughout the piece is clear and effective, with a good mix of dialogue, action and exposition. I enjoyed the dissolution of the relationship as described in verbal exchanges. The story is very clear as far as what happens, I think this is one of its strongest points, but it is not as clear on why things happened the way they did, which I suppose can also be a strong point depending on perspective.

I guess I’m just having a real tough time with the ending. The voice within the story is so detached—it carries no nostalgia or love for Peers or working on the boats or anything mentioned. There is also a strong sense of suppressed emotions—the narrator would rather not think about things than think about them—but without the involuntary confusion and frustration that often (in my opinion) accompanies suppression and repression. Why focus on the neighbor in the final paragraph? Why leave the reader with that image rather than Peers? For the record, I like the questions asked; I like how the narrator internalizes a situation he has nothing to do with. I can identify with that. But I have a tough time grasping just why I’m left with the thought of the neighbor. 

Critique: "Nothing Ever Happens"

“Nothing Ever Happens” reads like a dream, although it is unclear what form of reality the narrative is set in. Is it a dream? Is Elijah dead? The story is injected with myriad colorful images and magical playfulness, sometimes to the story’s benefit, other times working against it. The sequence of events and images give it a strong sense of magical-realism. I like that the story is in present tense and begins with no background or context and just throws the reader into a chaotic world full of color and noise. We, the reader, are experiencing this world just as Elijah is.
While the story demands that the reader suspend their disbelief, I have no trouble doing this as the images and events are so vivid. The saturation of images and similes can be a little overwhelming and at times contrived, running off on long, winding tangents that pluck the reader from the scene and drop them in 12th-century Europe amidst fire and brimstone, giving the reader a strong glimpse into that alternate universe before ripping them right back into the story and Elijah.
I’m a bit torn on the title, as I always feel like lyrics from songs make great titles, but then feel kind of shitty because I can’t come up with one on my own. But then again, I do love Talking Heads. The title fits, and is relevant given what it refers to, and even offers a nice contradiction being that ‘heaven is a place where nothing ever happens,’ but then we see that so much happens to Elijah that it’s overwhelming and at times terrifying.

Critique: "A Trip to the Desert"

“A Trip to the Desert” is a story about the failed relationship between a mother and a daughter. The daughter, Cassiopeia, goes with her boyfriend to meet her mother, Moira, who lives alone in the desert, heartily decaying amongst the macaws. While there, Cassi breaks the news of her father’s (Moira’s ex-husband) death to her mother, who has no knowledge of this. Moira is a compelling character, as she at first seems like some decrepit witch, but she turns out to be well-intentioned and kind. This clash between Cassi’s view of her mother and her mother’s actuality is observed well by both the boyfriend and the reader. Cassi, however, is very cold and spiteful toward her mother to the point that it becomes unredeemable.

I’d like to see the scene in which Moira finds out her ex-husband got married again expanded. It feels like there’s a leap made between “He got...married?” and “Would you like to feed my macaw?” that could be smoothed over with a paragraph of thought or reflection. The feeding of the macaw implies an incoming reconciliation made between the mother and the daughter that is never fulfilled. This is something to consider when thinking of reader expectations.

Critique: "Short Stack's Crossing"

“Short Stack’s Crossing” is a story about a young girl meeting with her grandfather en route to a unnamed destination that houses a number of the young girl’s extended family members. Early in the story, the grandfather emphasizes the importance of the journey over the destination. This sentiment is actualized in the telling of the story, as it ends when they reach their destination. Much of the story moves through the dialogue between the granddaughter and the grandfather. Some of the thing the granddaughter says aren’t characteristic of a girl her age, but then again, the grandfather states repeatedly how unusually intelligent she is.
As the story unfolds, it is implied that the young girl has died and that she is now in heaven, reuniting with dead family members. This notion raises some questions which, unfortunately, must go unanswered, but are still worth considering. Does the fact that this girl is so articulate and intelligent despite her age convey a sense of wisdom that is bestowed when one dies in this world? Was this girl in anyway this intelligent in her mortal life? The warm, welcoming light at the end supports this, but it is not completely evident either way. I think the story could benefit from more clarity on this subject.

Critique: "Imitation"

“Imitation” is a poignant meeting of a young, foolish woman and a sly painter. The story concludes with a very powerful image of the woman feeling haunted by her experience as a model for a strange, older man. This story has a strong sense of immediacy, as the events all unfold with no real break in time. They go immediately from the park to his car to his house, where he paints her. Despite this, the story’s events seem like they would occur over an extended period of time, in the sense that the two people would meet and he’d give her his contact info and she’d consider it and so on and so forth. But this story completely defies those expectations in favor of immediacy and urgency.
The story’s beginning introduces themes of aesthetic inquiry that recur throughout the story, but at the story’s end, we are ultimately left with the young girl’s terror that has grown inside her since she modeled herself for this man. Why does she feel so disgusted? In the story, she is led to believe she is joining this man for sex, why is modeling for him have such a lasting and unsettling aftertaste?

Critique: "The Secularist"

“The Secularist” creates a fantasy realm within a short story and positions the main characters, the Secularist and an unnamed prisoner woman, in a pseudo-philosophical discourse on morality and duty. The writing itself is very lyrical and poetic, which help give the story the fantastical feel I think it is going for. The Secularist’s eyes “smoldered with crimson radiance,” while “a web of black, leafy vines [twined] their way.” However, this sometimes works against the story, leaving the imagery in almost complete abstraction, as seen with the Secularist’s tattoos, “now reflected waves and circles, smooth lines and beauty.”

The world created is very vivid and somehow believable, but there’s so much mythology presented in the story with little to no explanation as to how that mythology works that it can be confusing. How does the Secularist function? Do his tattoos and markings change with his mood? When he feels honorable and just do they disappear completely? I suppose some can be inferred, but a bit of explanation or at least a view into the Secularist’s mind would have been helpful. Also, what exactly is the devil? These are questions that I’m sure any fantasy writer loves to hear, but they still need answering! Given these questions, it seems this piece would be much, much longer to satisfy even half of the questions that this story presents.

From a story standpoint, the change from beginning to end is very sharp and predictable (not that that’s bad). We don’t learn much about the characters, and the Secularist at times seems robotic (I likened him to the giant guy at the end of Prometheus). Given that so much of the story is dedicated to creating a colorful and exciting world for the reader, there is a considerable lack of action. Consider this for revision.

Critique: "Hitting Hard"

"Hitting Hard” is a story about a couple at a crossroads in their relationship. The woman, a high-ranking military officer, has learned she is pregnant and confronts her irritable and cowardly boyfriend with the news. A physical conflict ensues in which the woman, Maddie, beats the crap out of Ace/Alex. The moment in the story when she punches him in the jaw is a real shocker, especially because of the raw fear that it arouses in Alex. He becomes completely submissive and even somewhat repulsed by his partner and they eventually clasp hands and unite for the foreseeable future.

This story has a real honesty to it that I enjoy. It shies away from tricks and abuse of imagery and metaphor in favor of action and dialogue, and the result is a clear, honest story. This is not to say that it is perfect or complete. The characters, namely Alex, could use some expansion. Alex was completely despicable in my reading, and while its fun to sneer at a character in repulsion, it’s much more fulfilling to like a character despite their apparent negativity. I find the decision to position both characters in masculine careers/roles a bit curious. We get a bit of Maddie’s sensitive side, and I think the story could benefit a bit more from her sentimentality that’s featured toward the end.

Critique: "Hurricane"

"Hurricane” is a story about two young friends that decide to brave the surging storm winds on the California coast and attempt to surf the high waves. Their motives are never given complete clarity, and I assume they are doing this either for the hell of it or for some shot at immortality within the local circuit of urban surf legends. The two boys, an unnamed narrator and Travis, are inspired by their friend Tony, who suggests they sneak onto the beaches while they are closed during the storms. Travis and the narrator don’t appear immediately responsive to Tony’s suggestion, but decide to go ahead with it.

I could be completely wrong in this, but I gathered that the narrator was somewhat apprehensive towards the whole idea of surfing during a hurricane. If this is the case, I would have liked to see more of this in the earlier parts of the story, namely the first scene. He doesn’t speak and we don’t get any of his opinion or feelings toward the initial idea of surfing the storm, though he is very observant and aware of Travis’ immediate interest.

The story features a nice balance of dialogue and description /narration. The dialogue is effective and realistic, wasting little time repeating the same dribble over and over as is seen often. The descriptive language uses a lot of vernacular and region/culture-specific words that give the story both honesty and authenticity. The surfing jargon made the story fun to read and move along steadily.

Throughout the story and long after reading it, I kept wondering how it would have been different if the narrator had bailed on Travis at the beach instead of sticking with him and trying to conquer the storm. I think this might be worth exploring or at least checking out.

The story ends a few readings (from me at least). The first and more likely reading is that Travis felt betrayed or angry towards the narrator and decided to leave him on the beach as a ending to their friendship or something. Another reading could be that the narrator simply told Travis to go home as he looked for the rest of his board and they were friends thereafter. And yet another reading believes that the narrator died of internal bleeding suffered during his violent thrashings against the pier and Travis left him for dead. If there is one clear ending to this story, I think it needs better explication at the end.

Critque: "Milk and Snails"

“Milk and Snails” is a fast-paced story about two sisters whose relationship is muddled by weight concerns. The older sister still torments her younger sister calling her, at times, a ‘fat ass.’ The majority of the story is a flashback to when the narrator was thirteen and intruded on her sister as she was purging in the bathroom. The story ends with the older sister chiding the younger sister and enlightening her on the benefits of bulimia.

The story features some colorful descriptions and nice details, including the cans of Schlitz trailing the newlyweds’ car and the instituted slang word ‘snails,’ for a tape measure, although the use of ‘snail’ could have been more effective if the story clued the reader into what it meant through context clues rather than outright saying it. Perhaps if this story were being told as a confession to someone familiar the way “We Didn’t” is narrated, then that might be possible.

The two nameless characters, the narrator and the sister, need to do some growing. The older sister has no apparent likable or redeemable qualities. The reader only sees one side of her, granted it is through the eyes of the verbally abused younger sister, making this one-sided portrayal understandable. We are told that she is a successful ballerina and the story could benefit from an expansion of the ballerina psychology, as I’m sure she has danced her entire life and it has no doubt dominated their household, maybe even at the expense of the younger sister. These are tracks that this story could explore and find more meaning within.

We are told almost nothing of the narrator, other than that she is probably slightly overweight. I’m sure there are a whole bunch of stories within her psychological makeup and they would help build the dynamic between her and her sister.